Sunday, 15 July 2018

The boy at The Float

Went for the NDP preview yesterday.
I got free tickets from the balloting ^^
It's fun because it was my first time ever being a spectator at The Float.

I received a pair of tickets but I went alone though as Mum couldn't make it at the last minute.
Going there after failing an exam on the second attempt is... hmm
I don't know how to put it into words.
Mixed-feelings of course.
But I enjoyed myself and the show washed my sorrow away.
It was a good riddance.

Being myself, when I'm usually alone,
I would people-watch.
In front of the row where I sat were a group of lower primary students from the same school.
Kids being kids. they talk, they laugh and they had fun with one another.
Then, among them, I noticed a Malay boy
His character is slightly different from his classmates
In a good way :)
He's the caring one and I saw compassion in his actions.
He helped his friends who were sitting on his right and left
to paste the temporary tattoo sticker (they got from the funpack) on their cheeks
He did it with patience and keikhlasan (ugh I forgot the english word)
He even took the iniative to capture photos of his friends
He'a a good boy
I saw it all through his eyes and smiles
And it warmed my heart

I pray that he will grow up with the same character
Or even better :)

Sunday, 24 June 2018

A simple "Thank You"

Setiap tahun akan ada period whereby my house will be at its havoc-est.
That will be during Syawal undoubtedly.
Sebab kakak akan balik dari Mekkah, abg dari Semenyih.
So our humble home will house more 8 adults + 7 kids (and counting) hahahhahahah
Fun, of course.
But being me, I'm not the kind who can stand loud noises and kids screaming all day and night.
Plus the usually neat home goes upside down.
There's only me and mom to count on.
So I have to be on bibik-mode all the time.
Sweeping, mopping, clearing up all the mess.
That is on top of my shift work and disrupted body clock.
My mum did not complained. So I try not to, as well.
We actually did but in secret hahahhahah.

But this morning before Ayah and abang drive back to jb, they said "thank you" to me.
Just "thank you". And it lighted up my soul.
I wasn't expecting/hoping to be thanked for,
Or was hoping for a reward.
But I feel that a simple "Thank You" really means a lot
Regardless of any situation.

Thursday, 31 May 2018

Adult-ing

26 going to 27.
Graduated with a degree.
Working in the industry.

Sounds so much like an adult. How an adult should be
Yup. I keep reminding myself I already am an adult.
I tend to forget though haha. Maybe because I’m still single and free.

A colleague of mine said this few days ago...
It strucked her that she now realized working life is like no life.
You wake up and go to work everyday, that’s it.
And the cycle continues...

Hahah funny but somehow, true.

I recently took an attempt to be certified as an Incident Handler, relative to my jobscope.
I failed though. There were few factors contributing to my failure.
I would say some few percentage is due to juggling between work and self-studying.
It wasn’t easy.
I poured my own pocket money, my off days, sleepless nights to try and understand five thick and heavy books. I tried. But my effort wasn’t enough.
Accepting my failure wasn’t easy either. Never easy.
I slept my sorrow away.
Now I understand why people say sleeping is a cure for the broken hearted.
I’ve never felt so disappointed in myself after a very long time.
The stress resulting from work didn’t help either.
I was at my lowest during that period prior to my certification attempt.

But Ramadan came, just the day after my exam.
Alhamdulillah.
I’m much stable emotionally.
Fasting helps people to self-control.
:)

Anyway...
I’ve been yearning for my kl-life
It’s even more severe during the fasting month
I do not know why I feel very heavy whenever reminisce all those moments.
Of course, i got a lot of “please move on”.
You can’t say that to just anyone heh.
People develop memories and feelings differently.
Moving on from one situation  may be easy in contrary to another situation.
Different people accept and reject conditions differently.
We are not the same.
I’m not, at least.

——————

This is enough for now.
I just need a space to pour my heart’s contents.
It suffocated me lately.
I hope I’ll be fine for the days to come.
بإذن الله

Sincerely,
still trying to be an adult.

Tuesday, 26 December 2017

8 Rabiul Akhir

26 Dec 2017 / 8 Rabiul Akhir 1439H

Today is my Hijri birthday.
8 Rabiul Akhir.
A date I often forget.
I suddenly had the urge to check
and it turns out to be today.
Alhamdulillah, I’ve turned 27 according to the Islamic calender
But I’m in denial still
As I just turned 26 two months ago.
Feel old yet? Maybe.

Honestly I do not know what I did for myself so far
What have I achieved
What are my future plans
I’m more of the “just follow the flow” kid
But subhanallah,
the “flow” that I followed so far has always been a breeze
With a tinge of life’s little challenges here and there
I think there has never been a moment when I’m in total despair, yet.

But I know myself very well
I feel like I don’t deserve all these
Deep inside, it’s so dark
I keep struggling to keep myself on track
I always feel that I’m not good enough
Yet I am still able to wake up everyday, and breathe.
:’(

{So which of the favours of your Lord would you deny?}

Hamba lemah ya Allah.
I miss some part of me that is now gone.
Keep me steadfast in this journey towards your jannah.
Keep my heart, mind, and soul clean.
Keep me safe, always.
Bring me back to Haramain, 
because I yearn to kneel and ask for forgiveness before your Kaabah.

“...and a clean heart is what I’m longing for.” 
😔

Saturday, 14 January 2017

"Home"

They don't originally belong there
Yet they have to call it 'home'
With the notion that it is 'safer' than their own

They must have gone through a certain life episode
Which we may not experience
Nor are we able to fathom how they went through

They are still young
Some are so bright
While some may act a little bit different from others
Breaking our perception of how kids should be behaving
In a certain way and manner

It pains my heart
Seeing a few of them
Responding harshly towards one another
Verbally and/or physically
Unknowingly,
tears started to gather
I glanced away
Not able to look any further

How did their fate turned out this way?
What made their parents or guardian come to a decision of sending them to this 'home'?
Why do they have to depend on their friends of the same fortune?
How do they manage to live on, one day after another?

Having to look after each other
Going through the same routine everyday
Knowing that they are socially different from other kids out there
Pretending like they were having so much fun
But at some point of time they looked like they were doing it because they had to
Because there are no other options
Because they are one of the residents

How fortunate are we to have a house we call home?
To have parents taking care of us since we were small?
Yet sometimes we take these blessings for granted

We bid them goodbye knowing that we were leaving
They waved us goodbye acknowledging that they have to stay for another day

"Bile kakak nak dtg lagi?"
Today's programme left me with a whole new perpective.
I sincerely am affected,
real deep...

P/s: Be well. Study well.
I pray that Allah will lift off this adversity from you adik-adik,
and grant each one of you a successful future.
Learn, and let history not repeat itself.

14/1/17
16:57

Friday, 25 November 2016

The jadegrey-eyed Russian

Holding a cup of white coffee in one hand, I walked towards a vacant bench near the library entrance, aware of a middle-aged guy sitting on the other bench next to it.

"Hi.. Can I ask you a question? You're a Malay right?", he asked while I was adjusting my sitting position.


A lil shocked by the sudden voice, I answered, "Yea, sure...", glancing at the jadegrey-eyed guy.

"Can you explain what's the difference between 'Kak' and 'Kakak'?" At first I didn't get what he was asking because the 'k' at the end was silently pronounced. Then he said "I was calling a Malay sister 'Kak' but the the brother said "Don't call her 'Kak' . Call her 'Dik' because she's younger than you". "..ButI was told that 'Kakak' is for older ladies, while 'Kak' is for younger ladies". Only then I was able to comprehend the confusion that's going on his mind. He looked quite disturbed trying to figure out this Kakak-Kak-Adik for ladies, and I find it funny.

So I went on explaining in simple words until he get the idea that "Kak from 'Kakak" is similar to "Sis from Sister" which is normally used on older ladies while "Adik" is more suitable for younger-aged boys or girls.

The conversation didn't stop there. Soon I got to know that he's a Russian, from Cherkess Republic to be exact. He's almost done with PhD, just had his viva last week and currently doing some minor revision. His research is on the History of Islam in 1980s. He's been in this research field for so many years. He also shared that it's really hard to practice Islam in Russia. If they found someone going to the mosque everyday, they are perceived to be the extremist Muslims or Wahhabi. They will get arrested and will never return D: that is so so sad! One more thing, if Muslims read certain verses from the Quran that "condemns" the disbelievers, they will also be arrested! Russia don't like Muslims because the non-Muslim majority over there viewed Islam as a strict and conserved religion which is against secularism and freedom -- which Russia do not need. T^T He said that these info never came out in media, but that's the reality of our religion over there; which is so in contrast with the freedom that he (and us) get in practicing Islam in Malaysia. 😢

Then the conversation went on.. and he found out that I am from Singapore.. Aha!

"How much is S$1 to RM?" ------ RM3
"What's the population of Malay/Muslims in Singapore" ------ 11-12%
"So the Chinese control most of the businesses over there?" ------ Yes
"What's the salary like?" ------ Basic salary $2k (more or less)
"Singapore is a very nice and clean city... (yada yada yada)..."
Then,
"What's the price of 1kg meat over there, is it expensive?" PAP! I grinned wryly.
......
"I'm.. not too sure about that... I... don't go to the market...😬".
He smiled and two seconds later we both laughed hahahahah omg I feel so paiseh at that moment.
Apparently he found out that I'm 25, doing my masters and still under my parents care 😂

[!] Disclaimer: Haha ok kejap. This is not at all a flirty-kinda-conversation if you've been thinking so okay. He has that 'Ayah2' kinda vibe, just initiating a conversation in a situation that didn't make me feel awkward at all. ^^

Then he asked, "So what are you going to do after you finish your Masters?"
In my most relaxed tone, I said, "I'm going back to Singapore and find a job, and.."
"No no no, wait, stop", he cut me off.
"What, what? Why?", alarmed.
"After you finish your Masters, don't return" (I'm like... OOOKAYYYYYYYY? O_o)
"Stay here and continue your PhD". (O_o.... that's far from what I planned. ceh ingatkan die tak kasi balik sebab nak suruh travel around the globe dulu ke ape hahaha >_>)
"..Because you're still young. You're just 25. Say, writing for PhD requires around 3 years... by 28, you'll be a Dr! You know why? Because at this level, you are already in 'that stage' of academic level. If you go back and find a job, in 2-3 years you might lose your academic skills. When you take PhD at this young age, you still have that energy and determination. Unlike when you do it in your 30s or 40s. After you're done with PhD, you have everything. You can do whatever you want. You'll be Dr. Nadiah."

At that moment, it felt like a pile of cold water just splashed onto my face. I was awakened by his encouraging advise. It felt like an advise from a big brother. It sparked some spirit deep within even though his advise wasn't 'that' successful enough to convince me. Why? Because I have my own mission (for now) and after I finish my Masters I plan to go back, work, and carry the responsibility of the youngest grown-up child in the family. It is time. I've spent 6 years in KL pursuing 2 degrees and I think it's best to go back home to face life's real challenges. 😌😌😌

Nonetheless, I was totally (and still am) enlightened by his honest advise. Well of course I wish to have the freedom doing whatever I want to chase my dreams and my travel goals. But hey, we are not living this life as an ignorant individual. We cannot be self-centered. We have to think about other people and matters that revolve around our own tiny personal compound. Whatever we do and all of our intentions will be questioned. 😔

Faisal (pronounced FaiSal not FaiZal --- he claimed that everyone here calls his name with a tint of 'Z' hah) is his name. I'm thankful to have met this brother (or uncle?) today. Amazing how a 30-minute conversation with a stranger would leave a mark on my soul. And mind ya (again), I did not develop any feelings towards him okay, except that his beautiful Russian eyes caught my attention! Hahahahahaha astaghfirullah tak ghaddul basr hahahahahah.

Side note: Nadia is a common name in Russia. 😄
Cheerios!


Charmed

A gush of emotion seeps through this lonely soul
Like a flow of blood rushing through the veins
Feeling heavy, as I look at your smiling pictures
on my phone interface

had I not decided to forget
the little memory that we shared
a short period of time
which turned me insane
not a day, not two days
but it knocks through me
nights and days

what charm have you spelled
making this weak heart swell
of frustration I wish to yell
I dived too deep and ended up in dwell

Recollecting my inner self
recomposing my heart and soul
for love has turned me into an elf
as your presence has left a hole

wounded, caused by my own feelings
one-sided, that is how it seems
it was me whose heart is too flimsy
falling in love is always too easy
reassuring the heart to just let it go
but the whispering mind is the pain that follows...